


the demons in my mind

by mooningsammy



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Attempted Suicide, M/M, Wincest - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-20
Updated: 2018-04-20
Packaged: 2019-04-25 07:45:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,426
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14374152
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mooningsammy/pseuds/mooningsammy
Summary: "Dean supposed he should have seen it coming, because it was probably the worst thing he could have caused."





	the demons in my mind

**Author's Note:**

> title from 'Rescue Me' by Thirty Seconds To Mars

Dean supposed he should have seen it coming, because it was probably the worst thing he could have caused. 

_ “Dean, please… I know you told me to forget about it. I know you don’t want anything to do with me. But I  _ need  _ you. I feel like I’m falling apart. Dean, he’s everywhere I look, taunting me and clawing at me. I’d rather die than let him possess me.”  _

He woke up after a nightmare about Sam-that-wasn’t-Sam in a white suit with a powerful set to him and shivered, picking up his phone to check the time, and that was when he found the voicemail and listened to it. 

So he went to Oklahoma and tracked down Sam’s room. 

His baby brother was lying in a bed, and he might have looked peaceful if blood and brain matter weren’t spilling out the back of his head. 

Dean had to stumble into the bathroom and empty his stomach before he could settle in a chair he pulled over to the side of the bed without the mess, clutching Sam’s hand. 

It was his fault. If he hadn’t left Sam, there wouldn’t be so much hurt. Maybe Sam would be here with him.

“Oh, don’t worry.” Dean flinched, looking at the person who spoke, seeing a man with corroded skin on his face. “I’ll just bring him back in the morning and start in on his dreams again.” 

Dean caught on a minute too late, as the Devil was already gone. There was nothing he could do but wait and beg Sam tomorrow, so he sat back and rubbed at his eyes with both hands.

He was awake before Sam, but the room was clear of any waste and his little brother was breathing, so Dean let out a small sigh of relief, and wished he’d grabbed his toothbrush from the car at least. 

He was showered and cleaned up before Sam finally came to, but he couldn’t really complain since the night before consisted of his baby brother dull and lifeless on that very bed. His eyes roamed the wall and found a single drop of blood behind the lamp.

Sam sat up quick and clumsily. “Fuck!” 

Dean reared back, surprised. “Jesus Sam, why are you yelling?” 

Sam zeroed in on him, blinking rapidly. “Dean?!” 

Dean took a deep breath and nodded. “Welcome back to the land of the living.” 

Sam looked away. “I didn’t know what else to do.” 

“How about not die?” 

“Like you care,” he muttered. Dean almost didn’t catch it. 

“Sam, don’t. I’m here, am I not? I left as soon as I got your message.”

“What am I supposed to think, Dean? That message was a long shot and I sent it yesterday afternoon. You practically told me to get as far from you as possible and that you never wanted to see me again. So excuse me if I’m pretty damn sure you don’t give a flying fuck.” 

“But you hoped.” 

“People do that when they’re desperate, Dean,” Sam said. 

Dean couldn’t catch his eyes and it made his heart ache. “Sammy, I—“ 

“Don’t call me that,” Sam said, almost a whisper. “Not now. I tried, Dean. I’m trying to make things right, and you—you want nothing from me, nothing to do with me. You’re only here because you think I might say yes and you can’t let that happen because it means he wins.” He got up, grabbing his duffel and slamming the bathroom door shut behind him. 

Dean knew he made a mess. He realized how bad he hurt his brother, and he cursed himself for ever thinking they were better apart. 

He knew he needed Sam. Now he remembered how he felt after Cold Oak, and it was  _ not  _ a good feeling. It was like his entire world was ripped out underneath him and he had nothing to live for, no reason to keep fighting.

He returned to his chair and stayed there until Sam sat across from him, calmed down and searching.

“I’m sorry,” Dean said. “And I do want you around, I need you around, Sam.” 

Sam nodded, staring at the floor. “He probably zapped me back to normal as soon as it happened.”

“No, he didn’t. He waited until morning.”

“How would—“

“How would I know? Sam, your fucking brain was all over the wall when I got here. He missed some blood when he cleaned up!” Dean pointed it out. “I came in last night and I sat here thinking I did wrong by you, and there was no way to come back from it. Hell, I debated joining you until he said he’d fix you up by morning.”

Sam met his gaze, shaking his head. “No, Dean. You know how messed up I am. You’re not. You don’t have to be like me.” 

“Sam—“

“You don't have demon blood in you! You never got addicted! You never screwed over your family! You never opened the cage and unleashed the devil on humanity!”

“Sammy, if I hadn’t… I broke the first seal. I pushed you away so many times because I’m a coward. If I…” He broke off, bowing his head. “Sam, I never even tell you that I love you.” 

“You did when I was little.” 

“Yeah, Sam. When you were five. Do you realize it’s been twenty years?” 

Sam breathed out, slow and even. “I know, Dean. Just like you know…” 

“Sam—“ 

“You don’t have to—“

“Sam!” Dean huffed. “I shouldn’t force you to repress all the time. I get that now. If I just let you talk—and  _ talk to you, _ we won’t have misunderstandings like we do.” 

Sam slowly put his head in his hands. “I can start now, if you want.” 

“Okay, Sammy,” Dean answered, looking up at him. He tried to ignore the way Sam’s hands were trembling. 

“I went away to college because I could barely contain how I felt.”

“How you felt about what?”

“About you. Always you, Dean. I mean, people say that the ones you love the most hurt you the most.” Sam chuckled, but Dean couldn’t find any humor in it. 

“I don’t follow.” 

“What would you have done? On my eighteenth birthday, I went out and tracked down a guy as similar to you as possible. And he fucked me until there were bruises all over me, and I couldn’t walk right for a week. I told you and Dad that I hurt my back on a hunt.” Sam shook his head. “I almost told you  _ twice  _ before I left, but all I could think was that I’d lose my brother for good if he knew the things I wanted to do to him. How much I loved him. The obsessive, possessive feelings I just couldn’t get rid of, not matter how hard I tried.”

Sam groaned. “Did you know I wasn’t possessive over Jess? I loved her; I loved her so much it hurt. And she had the same eyes as you, the same grim determination about doing stuff she didn’t like. She wasn’t you but she was the second best thing, and it was good. Until you came back and then she died, and I was with you constantly. And that ache, that I buried, came right back, only ten times worse.” 

Dean could hardly grasp what Sam was saying, couldn’t see how it was possibly true. “No.” 

Sam looked up. “What the Hell do you mean, ‘no’?”

“I mean, there is no way in Hell you’re actually telling me that all of my dirtiest fantasies—my biggest secret—is right here in front of me.” 

Sam cocked his head. “Wait, what? You’re telling me this  _ now _ ?” 

Dean threw his hands up. “How was I supposed to know you’d wanna manhandle me against the wall and—“

Sam interrupted him by grabbing his face and kissing him hard, biting into his lip. 

Hot  _ damn _ . 

+

Dean decided he was never leaving Sam’s side for as long as he lived. “Sammy?”

“Huh?”

“This is forever.”

A pause. “Do you promise?” He asked, quiet. Like, really quiet. Almost a whisper.

“Yeah, Sammy. I promise. You know I love you. Right? Because I do. I love you more than anything or anyone.”

He felt Sam shudder against him. “Thanks Dean. I love you too.”

“I know.” Dean chuckled. “Sometimes I forget how fucking hot you are when you hide under all those layers.”

He thought he could hear Sam rolling his eyes, but he didn’t say anything. It was okay. He didn’t need to.


End file.
